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Natalie’s Nook

Natalie’s Nook is a weekly post, where Natalie Flemming comes to life and shares her daily life with you.  Natalie is the leading lady in “White Lies”, a novel by Emily Harper.  For more information on the book or the author please click here.

One Man Wanted

In Uncategorized on January 19, 2011 at 9:47 am

I want a date for Valentine’s Day.  The internet let me down for New Years, so I have decided to try a more conventional route.  I know, what you’re thinking, Natalie that isn’t like you!, but I have to be realistic and get my head out of the clouds this year.  So, I have a new plan.

Want ads.

I haven’t had much luck in the guy department in the past.   But it isn’t like I’m not looking. 

Trust me. I’m looking.  Everywhere

I’m an avid reader of Lasso, our company’s new in-house magazine that is supposed to be all about how to get a man and what to do to keep him; though half of the bloody thing is filled with advertisements for naughty call-in lines.  It actually started out as a bit of a blip and not even our own designers wanted to read it.  They soon discovered, though, that if you pay enough people loads of money then anything can be a success.  Now, Lasso has a readership of over fifteen thousand a month (though the press package says it is twenty).   Every issue, it tells us lonely hearts that men want a woman who has a mind of their own, are independent and outgoing.  I read this every month and do you know what I do?  The exact opposite.  I meet a man and tell him verbatim exactly what I think he wants to hear.

As I was drinking a terrible cup of coffee that my co-worker Rachel just made- which I always tell her is the best I have ever tasted- I was flipping through the February edition, looking at all the lovely shoes I know I would never get my feet into, let alone be able to walk in, when I came across it.  It was as if a light went on all around me and I could hear the ‘hallelujahs’ in the background.  There, on page one hundred and ninety-three was the beginning of the rest of my life.

Looking for a man, but seem to be looking in all the wrong places?  Wondering what is wrong with you and why you are so blue when you should be saying “I do”?  Did you know that only 7% of women that meet men in a bar or club end up having a lasting relationship?  No matter what your mother says, it’s not you and there is something you can do to find Mr. Right- right now!  Place a want ad in next month’s issue for our Month of Love special and see what fate has in store for you.  Don’t spend another holiday alone, hopeless and resorting to desperate measures- resort to them now!  To see your ad in the Love Wanted section just send a maximum sixty word description of your ideal mate with twenty pounds to Lasso Love Connection, 128 Foxham Street, London and see what love has in store for you.

That was it.

*For more Natalie’s Nook please click here.

*To learn more about the author, Emily Harper, please click here.

My Mum’s New Gardener

In Uncategorized on January 5, 2011 at 9:20 am

Thank you for all the responses.  Well, the two responses I got.

And George I know that “I don’t mind you undressing me with your eyes” was you. 

You might not, but my eyes do.

In the end I had a lovely date with a bottle of Pinot Grigio and we rang in the New Years together with tears, a few hiccups and a strong headache the next morning.

I would say overall one of the best dates I’ve had.

However, a new year comes with a new problem with my mother.   You have to hear it to believe it.

As I sit upright in bed and seriously contemplate calling in sick this morning I can hear Cheryl shuffle over to my door.  “Nat, phone’s for you.”  If it’s possible Cheryl actually sounds worse then I feel. 

I walk out of my bedroom wearing my peach fuzzy dressing-gown over my nightie, which I thank God I threw on as Ben is lounging on the sofa with his briefs bunched up his scrawny thighs watching last night’s Eastenders.  The phone is lying on the coffee table and my mother’s voice is booming out of the receiver, yelling at who I can only assume is the gardener. 

“No, I said move the Petunias over there! Hablos es English? El Petunias over ici!”

“Mum? Mum are you there?”

“Natalie? Yes, of course I’m here, where else would I be?”  I can hear shuffling and a thud in the background while Mum sighs.  “Natalie, I’m so glad I caught you.  I’m having a terrible ordeal with the gardener.  You know when Joan recommended him I didn’t think he couldn’t understand bloody English.  I mean don’t get me wrong he does fantastic work- you should see Joan’s roses.  And the price he charges is quite reasonable, I couldn’t get anyone domestic for it-”

“Mum.” I’ve learned from the past that if you don’t interrupt she will just go on forever. “I really can’t chat right now, I have to go and get ready for work or I’ll be late.  How about I ring you back tonight when I get home?”

“Oh, oh alright then.  If you’re busy, then not to worry dear.”  I can hear the disappointment in her voice.  “Just give me a ring back- you know, when you have time to spare.”

You know, I have always been a sucker for a guilt trip.

“Mum, it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you,” I say in a placating tone, “I just can’t be late for work again.”

“Oh God, they’re not thinking of sacking you are they?  And in this economy you’d be lucky to get a job checking bags at Asda.”

“No, they’re not thinking of sacking me,” I assure her. “I just don’t want to be late.”

“Oh thank goodness.  Yes, well don’t keep chatting away all morning with me then.  We have to prioritize.  In this economy-”

Honestly, if I have to hear one more thing about our bloody economy- especially since I know my mother gets her news about the “economy” from Geraldine her perm and setter at the parlour.

“Mum, I really have to run.  I’ll ring you tonight though- I love you.”

“Yes, yes, you too dear.” But I can tell my mother isn’t paying attention anymore. “Carlos!  Begonias over avec el arbol!”

I know I should relax and concentrate on my love life.  Trust me- it needs a lot of attention, but I can’t help but feel my mum may have a lawsuit on her hands shortly.  The image that keeps running through my head is her shouting and pointing with a pair of gardening shears in her hand.  You know, not that she would intentionally do anything, but, just incase-anyone out there a good lawyer?

*Please note if you are a handsome, successful, single lawyer I would love to hear from you.  Obviously for your professional opinion on the situation. 

If we should happen to discuss it over a romantic candlelight dinner that would also be acceptable.

Click here to read more of Natalie’s adventures in Natalie’s Nook.

New Year, New Man?

In Uncategorized on December 29, 2010 at 9:25 am

Well, Christmas is over. 

It was… interesting.   You read the poem.  You know what happened.

Now I am sitting on the couch, trying not to sob into my Kleenex, as I think about my New Year’s plans.

I know I should be an independent woman; I shouldn’t need a man to make me happy.

But, honestly, wouldn’t it be nice- just once– to not have to worry about who you are going to spend New Years with?  I keep thinking that one day someone will say “So what’s your plans for New Years?” and I will be able to reply, “Oh, not much.  Rafe and I were talking about Paris, but he isn’t sure if he can leave his multi-million dollar empire right now.”

Or maybe just his independently owned vineyard…

I can’t- I repeat CAN’T- watch Ben and Cheryl snog all night while I am trying to avoid the advances of Ben’s best friend, George.  He tries it every year.  What is a more obvious way of showing someone you’re not interested in them then by telling them you have a transmittable disease?

He still tries.

So I am finally putting this blog to good use.

If you are single, better looking than a frog, and will shower at least a day before the said event you have a shot at taking me out for New Years!

P.S. If you are chosen I am going to need to see some id.

To see more of Natalie’s Blog Posts please click here.

Silhouette In Love

Photographer: Idea go

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Valentines_Day_g135-Silhouette_In_Love_p18131.html

The Stockings Were Hung On The Coat Rack With Care

In Uncategorized on December 22, 2010 at 9:00 am

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through our flat,

The wine had been poured, Cheryl in her Christmas hat.

The chocolate wrappers were scattered on the table and floor,

As I frantically clutched my stomach and moaned, “No more!”

Ben was asleep and snoring in Cheryl’s bed,

As he quickly buggered off after he was fed.

I in my sparkly dress, and Cheryl in her gown,

Were slumped on the couch after our night out on the town.

When from the hall table, the phone gave a loud ring,

I sprang from the couch, to see who was calling.

“Just me dear!” She sang into the phone,

White I silently groaned and wished I wasn’t home.

With Cliff Richards playing in the background, it could be no other,

I knew in a moment it must be my Mother.

“Just wondering how you are doing with all of that bloody snow.

I’ve had Carlos shovelling every five minutes, you know.”

I assured her we were fine, though Cheryl was getting a cold,

When I was told to keep warm and sanitize anything Cheryl may hold.

She told me of her Christmas plans, though they’re the same each year.

As the years go on, she is losing it a bit, I fear.

I leave on Christmas morning, to my Mum’s house I go,

With packages wrapped all in paper and bows.

Mum grabs them one by one the second I arrive,

She doesn’t even ask me about the long drive.

She anxiously waits by the tree to open them all up,

While I am in the kitchen pouring vodka into my cup.

She oohs and aahs over every single one,

And then asks me for the gift receipt once we are done.

Aunty Beryl always joins us for our Christmas tea,

Then gets sloshed and knocks over the tree.

We end the night by singing our favourite Christmas songs,

Though Mum trying to sing the high note in “O Holy Night” always goes wrong.

I promise to be there first thing in the morning,

Hang up the phone, but Cheryl is already pouring.

A glass of wine as courage for tomorrow’s big day,

In anticipation, I’m sure, of what my mother might say.

I shake my head but remember some have no family to visit at Christmas time,

Though, if they are sad about this they are welcome to mine!

All kidding aside, I look forward to seeing Mum and Aunty Beryl,

And yes, even singing the dreaded Christmas carols.

A new year is upon us, which is exciting yet scary,

I’ve made some goals, though I would be lying if I said I wasn’t weary.

Resolutions to make and break, hoping to lose the Christmas weight fast,

And wouldn’t it be great to have a handsome, rich boyfriend at last!

I started this blog, not really knowing what to do,

And for its success, I feel I owe thanks to all of you.

So for those who have been reading, you are all a beautiful sight,

Merry Christmas to you all, and to all a good-night!

To learn more about Natalie and what she is up to, please visit Natalie’s Nook.

Christmas Image:

Photographer: Salvatore Vuono

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Natalie’s Nook- Entry 4

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Still fuming from last week’s epidemic at Marks and Sparks I decided to finish my Christmas shopping online.  And you know what I discovered?

They have everything on this Internet’s Web!  You can buy a replica of King Tut’s tomb!  I’ve never seen one of them in Marks and Spencers, so quite frankly they can stuff it can’t they?

Once I was finished the shopping though, I got to exploring this Internet a bit more.  It’s amazing the wonderful things that are inside my computer (and the utter crap).

Then I came across the most glorious site: EVERYTHING FORUNDERAQUID

And you wouldn’t believe it, everything is under a quid!

I was scrolling through adding things to my cart when I saw Extend Your Lashes Miracle Solution.

Now, I have always hated my eyelashes.  They’re the only part of me that is naturally blond (I feel it might have been a bit of a mix up, so I have pencilled it in to discuss when I go… you know… upstairs.  That and my thighs that won’t get any smaller no matter how many of those crouching things I do).

And the most wonderful part of it is it arrives the next day!  So when I got home from work today I was thrilled when the little box was sitting on my doorstep.

I read the instructions carefully (I even read the French- though I can’t understand it- in case I missed anything).  The box said that it was specifically designed for people that have short stubby eyelashes and that they guarantee their product will make you hate your eyelashes no more.

The first step was a gloppy paste, which the bottle said was supposed to make your lashes grow twice their length in twenty minutes.  Thrilled I began putting the paste on and then thought, why don’t I put on twice as much and maybe grow them twice, twice as long!  So I slopped on more paste on my eyes and then had to get Cheryl to help because I couldn’t see anymore.  She wanted to do hers to, but I insisted she at least wait until I was done or we both wouldn’t be able to see.  (And even if it was for only a minute, I wanted to have nicer eyelashes than Cheryl.)

The glop started tingling after about five minutes.  It started out as a little itchy here and there, but after about ten minutes a light burning sensation started to occur.  Determined to have the most beautiful eyelashes though, I thought, I’ve already made it ten minutes, what’s another ten?

Well about a minute later the burning went from minor to major.  Cheryl got out our little hand fan and blasted it on my face while I bounced up and down trying to create a wind current.  In the end I had to rinse it off at the eighteen minute mark, but because I put twice as much on I was still ahead of the game.

Well, actually I couldn’t really see much because my eyes had got slightly swollen, though Cheryl assured me they looked great.

“Er- yeah… they look great.”  Cheryl leans forward while squinting and studying my puffy eyes.  “Maybe we should leave the second step until tomorrow, you know, to be on the safe side?”

She’s always been a pessimist.

After a few words of encouragement, Cheryl finally opens the bottle for the second step.  Apparently it was another paste, though more like a nail polish, and it was going to die my eyelashes jet black.

No more need for mascara- guaranteed!

Cheryl started to paint on the paste, which was actually nice as it was freezing cold, so my swollen eyes appreciated it.

This was only supposed to stay on for five minutes, which compared to the earlier twenty minutes was a breeze.  And the cooling sensation was very peaceful.  In fact, I almost felt I was getting lighter by the second.

After the five minutes I sighed while Cheryl wiped my eyes with a damp cloth and took a quick intake of breath.

Excited by her reaction- I mean obviously they looked fantastic if she was that shocked, I grabbed the hand mirror to see my results.

At first it was hard to adjust my sight, as my eyes were still slightly puffy.  I pulled the mirror closer and then jerked my hand back.

They were right, I don’t hate my eyelashes anymore.

I haven’t got any now.

Natalie’s Nook- Entry 3

In Uncategorized on December 8, 2010 at 10:55 pm

I went to do some Christmas shopping today, you know, to get some last minute stocking stuffers and sweets.

And Cheryl’s present.

And I needed to get something for Mum.

Alright, I hadn’t started before today.

Anyways, I popped into Marks and Sparks to see if I could get a blouse for Aunty Beryl.  I had been on my feet all day long and I was just about ready to pack it in when I spied a beautiful sparkly top on the mannequin at the end of the aisle.  My eyes widen as I saw it and I knew I just had to have it for Beryl.

I raced over to the racks and looked all around but I couldn’t find it anywhere.  I scrunched my face and couldn’t figure it out.

“It’s the last one, love.”  A lady told me from beside the mannequin.  She was holding the material of the sleeve in her hand. 

“Are you taking this one then?” I asked.

“I’m not sure.  It’s pretty, but it’s a bit… revealing isn’t it?”

Revealing?  It was a bloody turtleneck.

“Do you know what size it is?”  I ask while touching the fabric of the other arm.

“Large.”

I nodded my head but tried not too look to eager.  That’s Beryl’s size.

“I’m just not sure though…”  The woman looked around and back at the mannequin, “I don’t usually like gold.”

“Yes, it is a bit of a shocking colour isn’t it?”

Alright, I know it is the holiday season, so it is probably the worst time to lie.  But really, I’m doing it for the greater good.  Aunty Beryl hasn’t been on a date since before I was born.  I once asked her what her idea of the perfect man was and she said Prince Charles. 

I think she has a thing for ears.

A store associate popped out of nowhere.  “Sorry, can I help anyone with anything?”

“I’d like this top please.” I say while avoiding eye contact with the other woman.

“Oh, I was going to take it!”  She says defensively.

“Well, I’ll take this one and you get another one.” I argue.

“I told you this is the only one, I already asked.” 

I bite my lip in a bit of a panic.  “Can you maybe order another one?” I ask the associate.

“Sure, not a problem.  It will be here next week.”

“There now, “ I turn to the other lady, “You can have one in a week.”

Me?”  She asks.  “You can bloody wait a week, I’m having this one!”

The sales associate’s eyes widen and she slowly walks backwards.  “Er- I’ll leave you two to decide, shall I?”

The woman and I turn to look at each other, daring the other to blink.  We both dart our eyes to the blouse before looking at each other again.  And then it happened.

I didn’t mean to.  I really didn’t.  My body acted without my consent, like those people who sleepwalk.  Or the ones who kill their boyfriends who cheated on them and then they can’t remember doing it.

My hand slowly started to pull the blouse (and mannequin) towards me.  The woman’s eyes widen and she started pulling it back towards herself.  Seeing what she was doing I kicked it into gear and gave a quick tug.  She put both hands on the blouse and yanked.  I wrapped my arms around the mannequin and leaned back. 

To make matters worse I could tell people were gathering around as I heard some gasps and even a shout of encouragement.   The woman had grabbed the mannequin’s head while I had a bump on its torso.  I gave one last good pull and fell backwards as I heard a loud pop.  Staggering I looked down to see I had a firm grasp on the mannequin’s breast, covered in a now ripped gold blouse.  When I looked up I saw the woman with a sleeve in her hand as well as a decapitated mannequin head.

So that’s it.  I try and do something nice for my Aunt in the spirit of the holiday season and what do I get?

A bill for a ripped blouse and the torso of a well-endowed mannequin, a bruise on my knee, and a one year ban from Marks and Sparks.

Merry Christmas.

Natalie’s Nook- Entry 2

In Uncategorized on December 3, 2010 at 3:03 pm

That’s it, I’m quitting my job.  Even Hank, my junior assistant, is fed up and he’ll put up with almost anything if it means he could try shoes on all day.

They gave us our bonus cheques today and mine was less than thrilling- in fact it was insulting.  I even considered giving it back to them, you know, to make a statement.  But then I looked at my bank statement and remembered those self-help books I bought last month and thought I should probably keep it to be on the safe side.

Even so, we all deserve better- I definitely deserve better.  After all I’ve done for the company.  If I hadn’t told them last month that they put the decimal place in the wrong spot we would be paying our chin- er- outside manufacturer a fortune for those oriental prints.

Yes, I have decided I’m quitting tomorrow.

Actually, I think I should stay on until at least the Christmas party.  They always have really good raffles and I have already bought my Kris Kringle gift.

Yes, I will quit the first of January.

Though, they are picking someone for that Marketing Internship on Valentine’s Day, and I did really want to get that.

But, if I don’t get it I am definitely quitting come Spring.

But, they do give out those fab promotional shoes at the Spring Fashion Show.  Not that I can fit in them, but I always get a good bit of pocket money from selling them to Cheryl.

So, I’ll have to quit in the summer.

Though, we do have summer hours and I love going home at 3:30… I mean, what if they don’t have Holiday hours at my next fab job?

So, I’ll quit in the Fall?

Yes, definitely in the Fall.

But, then I would only be a few months away from getting my Christmas bonus.  I mean, I’ve worked this hard all year, I might as well wait for the bonus.

So that’s decided.  I’ll quit after I get my bonus.

Natalie’s Nook- Day 1- Entry 1

In Uncategorized on December 1, 2010 at 9:15 pm

Here I am, Natalie Flemming, a blogger.  I never thought this day would come that at a single touch of a button I can share my thoughts, my feelings, my accomplishments with the world!  I mean, who knows who could be reading this right now?

Johnny Depp, if you are reading this right now, I love you.

At first when Mum suggested I do this to get myself out there I thought she was crazy (actually I thought she only suggested it so she would know what I was doing everyday), but now I think she might have been on to something.  Look at that girl who wrote the blogs about that chef and now has a huge book deal.  I can’t remember her name… but the fact is she’s famous isn’t she?

And now everyday I will write witty, comical things and someone will make me famous.  (Please note if you are a talent agent I have not specified what I would be famous for- I am very versatile- like Jennifer Lopez or that girl from the telly that does all the infomercials.)  I really can do anything- except perfume lines (I’m allergic).

And group singing- I would prefer a solo career.

And nudes- not that I don’t have the figure for them.  For religious purposes.

On second thoughts, if you would like to make me famous you can just blog me the details and I will blog you back.

Wow, one entry down.  Just my whole life to go now!

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