I’ve Had a LOVEpiphany

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2011 at 9:25 am

I’ve often wondered if my man troubles are really my fault.  I mean, I’m not picky.  I try and have an open mind about his occupation (though I could never get my mind around dating that gynecologist…).  I’m not even that concerned about looks (though if he should happen to have even a remote resemblance to Johnny Depp I feel extra points are warranted).

Though, as I was reading through my magazine the other day I  came across an article which I think has changed my life forever…

I’m sitting in my room, listening to Cheryl yell something to Ben about him being a lazy git, when my eye falls to the next page where an article entitled “GET A MAN AND KEEP HIM” catches my eye.  The by-line reads,

“From the acclaimed relationship expert Dr. Rebecca Gonnard; this is a comprehensive guide to get you past the first date with a man and straight to the altar.  Carefully followed you are guaranteed to turn your pitiful and for some non-existent love life into a storybook ending.” 

I carry the magazine over to my bed and begin to read the article. 

Did you know that a man will go out with an average of twenty-six women before he settles down with one woman?  Did you also know that a woman will be rejected by an average of twenty-nine men before she will be in a committed, long-term relationship?  If you are worried that there just doesn’t seem to be any good blokes out there for the picking then think about this: for every hundred females there are one hundred and five males in the world.  The odds are in your favour ladies, and yet statistics UK state that you have to suffer through twenty-nine ghastly dates until you find a man willing to commit to you!  So what’s the problem? 

For starters, we, as women, look internally for the solutions to life’s problems.  What can we do to improve, what can we change to be accepted? Women are constantly adapting to the world because they are terrified that the world will not adapt to them.  This way of thinking must be broken in order for you to achieve your goal of securing a healthy and substantial relationship.  Are you tired of meeting loads of chaps but not finding the right one?  If so, then you have to stand out from the flock of women fluttering all around you. Don’t be one of a hundred girls, be the one and only you!

I do like those odds better…

The first step to standing out in the crowd is to be different from the crowd.  Stop listening to all your girlfriends’ advice on what to do with men because chances are they haven’t got a boyfriend either.  Learn to forget all that you have heard and done in the past, in fact it’s most likely best if you just do the exact opposite of what you used to do. 

Always arrive early on a date as to not keep him waiting?  DON’T!  Try arriving at least fifteen minutes late on your date; not only will your man be anxiously awaiting your arrival for a change, it also lets him know who will be in charge. 

Always let the bloke pick what to do on date night? DON’T!  Let him know from the start that you have no intention of spending the night on his pullout couch, watching the telly while you share a pork pie. 

See, I knew I shouldn’t have done that with Adam.

No one is going to treat you special if you don’t tell them you’re special. 

Finally, but perhaps most importantly, don’t have sex with him until at least the fifth date.

Fifth date!  Bloody hell that’s a bit long with no sex…

No, it’s not too long to wait.  Think of it this way, men look at things from an investment standpoint.  If you’re a quick cash grab, they may potentially buy you[1] now but with no long term commitment or grand expectations.  However, if you are different from the other investments and- most importantly- challenging, then the lads will approach you with the mindset that they are in it for the long haul.

This is all making complete sense; I am an easy investment- I’m a penny stock!  I need to be a cool, exclusive stock like Berkshire, or that new company from the telly that sells appetite-suppressing lip gloss.

You must believe in yourself if you want others to believe in you too.  You must make the commitment to change your life and go after what you want. 

Are you up for the challenge?  If so, I want you to say this out loud and begin committing to a new you!

I am strong.

I look at my door quickly to make sure it’s still shut.  Don’t get me wrong, Cheryl and I have a pretty open relationship.  However, I don’t think either of us has quite forgotten last week when she caught me examining myself- I won’t tell you where.  Before I know it the words are tumbling out. “I am strong.”

I am invincible.

I can do this, I know it.  I read somewhere about this thing called the placebo effect which is basically if you believe something is going to work, even if it’s a complete blip, it will still happen because you believe it- at least I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes.  “I am invincible!”


“I am-” Wait, isn’t that Aretha Franklin?

[1] Editor’s Note: Lasso in no way solicits prostitution in exchange for goods or happiness and hereby relinquishes all responsibility or suggestion of said act.

*To read more of Natalie’s adventures or find out about the author please click here.

Photo: Valentine

Photographer: Salvatore Vuono

  1. I wonder if Natalie has ever read Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider’s “The Rules”?

    • She tries to stick to Lasso, Hello! and the ever classic Cosmo for her relationship advice but I will definitely suggest them to her. Do you know if they come in ebooks? Natalie is trying to go green…

      Thanks for visiting Jen!

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