My Mum’s New Gardener

In Uncategorized on January 5, 2011 at 9:20 am

Thank you for all the responses.  Well, the two responses I got.

And George I know that “I don’t mind you undressing me with your eyes” was you. 

You might not, but my eyes do.

In the end I had a lovely date with a bottle of Pinot Grigio and we rang in the New Years together with tears, a few hiccups and a strong headache the next morning.

I would say overall one of the best dates I’ve had.

However, a new year comes with a new problem with my mother.   You have to hear it to believe it.

As I sit upright in bed and seriously contemplate calling in sick this morning I can hear Cheryl shuffle over to my door.  “Nat, phone’s for you.”  If it’s possible Cheryl actually sounds worse then I feel. 

I walk out of my bedroom wearing my peach fuzzy dressing-gown over my nightie, which I thank God I threw on as Ben is lounging on the sofa with his briefs bunched up his scrawny thighs watching last night’s Eastenders.  The phone is lying on the coffee table and my mother’s voice is booming out of the receiver, yelling at who I can only assume is the gardener. 

“No, I said move the Petunias over there! Hablos es English? El Petunias over ici!”

“Mum? Mum are you there?”

“Natalie? Yes, of course I’m here, where else would I be?”  I can hear shuffling and a thud in the background while Mum sighs.  “Natalie, I’m so glad I caught you.  I’m having a terrible ordeal with the gardener.  You know when Joan recommended him I didn’t think he couldn’t understand bloody English.  I mean don’t get me wrong he does fantastic work- you should see Joan’s roses.  And the price he charges is quite reasonable, I couldn’t get anyone domestic for it-”

“Mum.” I’ve learned from the past that if you don’t interrupt she will just go on forever. “I really can’t chat right now, I have to go and get ready for work or I’ll be late.  How about I ring you back tonight when I get home?”

“Oh, oh alright then.  If you’re busy, then not to worry dear.”  I can hear the disappointment in her voice.  “Just give me a ring back- you know, when you have time to spare.”

You know, I have always been a sucker for a guilt trip.

“Mum, it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you,” I say in a placating tone, “I just can’t be late for work again.”

“Oh God, they’re not thinking of sacking you are they?  And in this economy you’d be lucky to get a job checking bags at Asda.”

“No, they’re not thinking of sacking me,” I assure her. “I just don’t want to be late.”

“Oh thank goodness.  Yes, well don’t keep chatting away all morning with me then.  We have to prioritize.  In this economy-”

Honestly, if I have to hear one more thing about our bloody economy- especially since I know my mother gets her news about the “economy” from Geraldine her perm and setter at the parlour.

“Mum, I really have to run.  I’ll ring you tonight though- I love you.”

“Yes, yes, you too dear.” But I can tell my mother isn’t paying attention anymore. “Carlos!  Begonias over avec el arbol!”

I know I should relax and concentrate on my love life.  Trust me- it needs a lot of attention, but I can’t help but feel my mum may have a lawsuit on her hands shortly.  The image that keeps running through my head is her shouting and pointing with a pair of gardening shears in her hand.  You know, not that she would intentionally do anything, but, just incase-anyone out there a good lawyer?

*Please note if you are a handsome, successful, single lawyer I would love to hear from you.  Obviously for your professional opinion on the situation. 

   If we should happen to discuss it over a romantic candlelight dinner that would also be acceptable.

Click here to read more of Natalie’s adventures in Natalie’s Nook.

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