I went to do some Christmas shopping today, you know, to get some last minute stocking stuffers and sweets.
And Cheryl’s present.
And I needed to get something for Mum.
Alright, I hadn’t started before today.
Anyways, I popped into Marks and Sparks to see if I could get a blouse for Aunty Beryl. I had been on my feet all day long and I was just about ready to pack it in when I spied a beautiful sparkly top on the mannequin at the end of the aisle. My eyes widen as I saw it and I knew I just had to have it for Beryl.
I raced over to the racks and looked all around but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I scrunched my face and couldn’t figure it out.
“It’s the last one, love.” A lady told me from beside the mannequin. She was holding the material of the sleeve in her hand.
“Are you taking this one then?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. It’s pretty, but it’s a bit… revealing isn’t it?”
Revealing? It was a bloody turtleneck.
“Do you know what size it is?” I ask while touching the fabric of the other arm.
I nodded my head but tried not too look to eager. That’s Beryl’s size.
“I’m just not sure though…” The woman looked around and back at the mannequin, “I don’t usually like gold.”
“Yes, it is a bit of a shocking colour isn’t it?”
Alright, I know it is the holiday season, so it is probably the worst time to lie. But really, I’m doing it for the greater good. Aunty Beryl hasn’t been on a date since before I was born. I once asked her what her idea of the perfect man was and she said Prince Charles.
I think she has a thing for ears.
A store associate popped out of nowhere. “Sorry, can I help anyone with anything?”
“I’d like this top please.” I say while avoiding eye contact with the other woman.
“Oh, I was going to take it!” She says defensively.
“Well, I’ll take this one and you get another one.” I argue.
“I told you this is the only one, I already asked.”
I bite my lip in a bit of a panic. “Can you maybe order another one?” I ask the associate.
“Sure, not a problem. It will be here next week.”
“There now, “ I turn to the other lady, “You can have one in a week.”
“Me?” She asks. “You can bloody wait a week, I’m having this one!”
The sales associate’s eyes widen and she slowly walks backwards. “Er- I’ll leave you two to decide, shall I?”
The woman and I turn to look at each other, daring the other to blink. We both dart our eyes to the blouse before looking at each other again. And then it happened.
I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t. My body acted without my consent, like those people who sleepwalk. Or the ones who kill their boyfriends who cheated on them and then they can’t remember doing it.
My hand slowly started to pull the blouse (and mannequin) towards me. The woman’s eyes widen and she started pulling it back towards herself. Seeing what she was doing I kicked it into gear and gave a quick tug. She put both hands on the blouse and yanked. I wrapped my arms around the mannequin and leaned back.
To make matters worse I could tell people were gathering around as I heard some gasps and even a shout of encouragement. The woman had grabbed the mannequin’s head while I had a bump on its torso. I gave one last good pull and fell backwards as I heard a loud pop. Staggering I looked down to see I had a firm grasp on the mannequin’s breast, covered in a now ripped gold blouse. When I looked up I saw the woman with a sleeve in her hand as well as a decapitated mannequin head.
So that’s it. I try and do something nice for my Aunt in the spirit of the holiday season and what do I get?
A bill for a ripped blouse and the torso of a well-endowed mannequin, a bruise on my knee, and a one year ban from Marks and Sparks.
*Check back every Wednesday for a new Natalie’s Nook entry!